Finding My People Is Like Learning to Drive A Stick Shift
Thursday, October 29, 2009 I thought I had temporary arrested development a year or so ago. I'm concerned it's not so temporary.
When I was kid, making friends was easy. Whoever I sat next to in class was my friend. Whoever lived on my street was my friend. It didn't matter if we had opposing interests. Other than the joy and exhilaration we both received while playing with matches, my childhood friend, Samantha, and I had very little in common. The story is similar for the friends I made in junior high, high school and college. Different sports, different boy or girl attractions, different styles and different quirks. We were simply friends.
Of all of those friends, I remain very close to a handful, and even fewer allow me full range of motion. I feel thankful for those important relationships, but I enjoy meeting people and making new friends.
For many reasons, the past 12-15 years have afforded me few opportunities to cultivate new relationships. We've lived in four states, have had to help our sons through some challenges [everyone's doing great now], and priorities have made themselves clear to Chris and me. I've met several people, it's the nurturing and cultivating of the new relationships where I seem to fail.
Like learning to drive a stick shift.
I get excited and rev the engine, a little too much gas, then I pop the clutch and take off with a giant jerking motion, followed by several smaller jerking motions. Then I slow down, because I came on too strong, but I don't get the clutch, the brake and the release from the gas just right, so I kill the engine. Not enough. Then I try again, still too much gas, I jerk and lunge, apologize for the whiplash and make promises of a smoother ride in the future, I pull back on the gas and kill the engine...again.
I assume a level of intimacy too soon, then I recoil and appear aloof. My throttle's messed up. I've noticed this as I've reconnected with old friends, and as I've made new friends in person or on the internet. As a kid, I didn't put any thought into approaching others with a genuine enthusiasm for making new friends. As an adult, I think it freaks people out.
Often, I truly don't have the time to cultivate relationships at a moderate pace. It's speed dating for me, baby. When I have the time, I'm all your's and I try to pour a month [or more] of "dates" into a brief conversation or email exchange. Then, I fall off radar. Other times, I'm overly-aware of my arrested development because it feels like it's been so long since I've had a consistent and moderate pace in life, so I disappear out of insecurity and embarrassment. Paralyzed by what to say or not say.
I'm thankful for my tent-post-friends, the ones who afford me full range of motion. With them, my tarp is large and strong. They all live states away, so If it wasn't for the telephone and email, I'd be permanently, socially disabled. I've gotten good at having an intense five-minute relationship with the grocery store cashier, the girls and boys who work at various cosmetic and fragrance counters, as well as anyone who's trying to sell me ANYTHING. One of my tent-post-friends admits to doing the same thing, because she too is isolated and busy.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is, if you see me jerking spastically towards you, make some room and I'll do the best I can to not hit you too hard, shift smoother and not kill the engine. Thank you.
Reader Comments (41)
I love how you compare yourself to a stick shift; too funny!
LOL!
I don't know if I made sense.
I have maybe one good friend, possibly two but I'm not sure, and I think what makes a good friend is that you can always pick up where you left off whether it was a day ago or two months ago. Being able to pick up subtle clues is huge, too, because a real friend will know when something is up and then draw it out of us.
This really spoke to me.
I sure do wish that we lived closer to each other. Let's make plans to get together.
I'm free the next three weekends.
I am making more friends now that my kids are grown but more so now that I'm out here on my own, and it's one of my priorities.
We'll meet soon & it will be great because I'll only be there for a week, and then we can resume our online relationship!
I can't wait for you to come to Utah. I need a cigarette.
But slowly and surely, we've ended up making lots of wonderful friends. I didn't really start to feel like we belonged until all our kids were in school, though, and I actually felt like I could venture out to ballgames and school activities. It's so hard when you still have kids at home. The alternative is to not have Redmond be the center of your attention. There's not a friend in the world that's worth giving that up .... but that's just my two cents. I remember keeping Grace home from preschool a LOT that last year before kindergarten, just because I was having those pangs of, "NO, DON'T GO!" lol Now at 18, 13, and 11, I'm to the point sometimes of "PLEASE, JUST HURRY UP AND LEAVE!!" lol Not really, but teenagers are not fun all the time.
We haven't laid eyes on each other in years, but I can't imagine that anyone wouldn't be thrilled to have you lurch at them! If they do mind, they're not worth having as a friend.
Don't reign back your enthusiasm; it's what makes you special. Just carry on lurching around and I promise, [most of...] the people who might be taken aback at first will get over it once they realise that's just the way you are, rather than some scary-stalkerish behaviour directed at them.
I'm a bit like this, except I've never found the brake... and I'm doing ok ;)
I think most of us will relate very well to this.
keep lurching, keep stopping. Pop that clutch, just keep on keeping on forward as you do, Chris!
We ALL love you!
And this analogy is another great example of your fine writing from your very nimble mind.
So keep on driving - after all, practice makes perfect!
When I worked in an office, I didn't make any new friends. No time. I was a commuter and the people I met through work all lived far away.
As a stay-at-home mom, I became friends with other moms in my neighborhood because we regularly scheduled get togethers through a play group.
In the last four or five years, all my new friends have been made via my blog. Some I just correspond with, some I talk to on the phone, and some I get together with. For me, social media greases the wheels for personal interactions.
I also have a core group of four or five people who I've known since middle school. We haven't lived anywhere near each other as adults, but we've managed to stay friends over the years and over the miles.
I have a lot of friends mostly because I carry many relationships forward. That said, I still find it hard to actually get together with friends. I'm astounded by our scheduling difficulties. No time to socialize, which is sad.
In fact? I might have, once upon a time.
I'm delighted to have recently connected with you via the blog world and am grateful to you for reaching out. Lurch away, my new friend. As long as you don't mind my lurching back.
PS: This line slayed me: I've gotten good at having an intense five-minute relationship with the grocery store cashier.
I've had those too *evil grin
(What did I tell you about personal boundaries? Yeah)
i feel as if i've spent the past 10 yrs in my minivan and have neglected friendships so much.