Holding Hands
Wednesday, March 25, 2009 I don't participate in writing prompts often [publicly], but as I've shared previously, one of the most welcoming group of bloggers can be found over at Deb's of San Diego Momma. Deb supplies writing prompts every Tuesday. If you ever choose to participate, I guarantee your writing will be read and your efforts supported and encouraged. You can't go wrong.
This week's prompt is "L-O-V-E". You can read about it here.
I worked on a post about love and decided it read like I was pontificating. I don't want to do that. We all have sweet, interesting, meaningful [to us] stories about how we met our significant other, how wonderful and passionate portions of our lives and love have been. We're best friends. [vomit] We do everything together. [puke] We finish each other's sentences. [bullshit] We complete each other. [fingers in ears, la-la-la-la-la] Even if these things are true, most of it is best kept private—it rarely reads well, people. A select few can get away with expressing to the world in detail, the love and respect shared between a committed couple.
I used to work with a woman who always talked about she and her husband's sex life. It ruined my lunch every day because I couldn't get the visual out of my head. We all have sex. We've all had good sex. None of us invented it, so caress your ego somewhere else. Even better, share all the mush and high-fives with your partner—or Penthouse Forum.
Chris and I have been married 19 years, together more than 20—just the facts. For the record, I don't believe someone's time together is an indication of the health of the relationship. [Chris and I are fine—no worries.] We've had our challenges and our times of ease. I assume we'll have more of both in the future.
When I think of the best relationship advice we've received, two examples come to mind.
We'd been married only a couple of years and already felt the need to see a marriage counselor. [We're the generation that goes to a therapist for everything.] I was working as an administrative assistant for three PhDs. One of the PhD's was a man named Charles. He was in his late 70s and found himself needing to return to work later in life, not unlike many older people in this economy. He had been married over 50 years and had what appeared to be a very traditional marriage.
Charles and I were often the only two people in the office. One day Charles overheard me talking with Chris on the phone and I was crying by the end of the call. He came over and offered me his handkerchief, which I politely accepted even though I'd seen him using it earlier. He asked me if I needed to talk, so I told him the story. What Chris said and felt, what I said and felt, what the therapist said... Charles listened. In a soft and assured voice, he said, "When you go home tonight, you two just sit on the couch and hold hands. Watch the news quietly. It sounds like you kids have talked enough. Just hold hands, and sit, and don't talk. Rest."
He was right. I think we were in a ditch, and the therapist was over-complicating the situation. We needed to step out of the ditch and walk away from it. Not analyze from several angles how we got in the ditch, and all the possible ways to get out—just hop out of the ditch.
There are obviously times that require labor-intensive communication to resolve issues, but this wasn't one of them.
The second example that comes to mind is something my Mamaw said. Chris and I were having dinner with she, Papaw, my parents, and Chris' parents several years ago. We were finished eating, enjoying conversation and a little more wine. Someone asked Mamaw and Papaw what the key was to being married so long. They shrugged and smiled, the conversation moved along. We began discussing sleep patterns, like what time we went to bed at night and got up in the morning. Papaw said, "I'm an early riser so I go to bed about 8:00 o'clock. Jane here, she likes to sleep in, so she stays up much later than I do."
Mamaw raised her eyebrows, lifted her glass and said, "That's...how we've stayed married so long."
[Mamaw, Papaw, Oldest Boy and Middle Boy - July 2004]
Reader Comments (19)
All I'm sayin.
And as usual, you manage to throw something funny in there. I love:
"He came over and offered me his handkerchief, which I politely accepted even though I'd seen him using it earlier."
Lady Fi - Thank you.
Demigod - Check, check and check. All I'm sayin, Pum'kin.
Jennifer - It's true. I get in emotional "ditches" over the silliest things, and spin my wheels needlessly. Sometimes it's easier said than done though. I truly don't mean to minimize the real problems we face in life, and the feelings associated with those problems.
Ms. Maxwell - Ha! She certainly could have if she wanted to!
Corbie - You made me laugh. Thank you for picking up on one of the most important sentences in my rambling post. I was mortified!
*connie goes in search of the Penthouse Forum*
This post is amazing... it really gives me hope for "going to distance" with my own darling B. My (still-married) mom once told me that statistically, people who are in a second marriage say that if they'd worked as hard at their FIRST as they do at their second, it could have worked. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I try that hard the FIRST time around.
Thanks so much for reading!
Connie - There's an entire "Penthouse Forum" website now. I was going to link to it, but thought better of it.
Mickie - Yeah, and sometimes you just need to fight!
LiLu - You're a riot. You and B. seem like intelligent caring people - I can't imagine you won't have a successful committed relationship. Thank YOU for reading!
Mrs. D. - Chris and I don't really hold hands either. Just ask him. He tries, and I'm always saying, "Please, not now... I just need a little space. It's nothing personal."
Great stuff, Chris! Wished you did the PROMPTs more often...you always rock the casbah.
"...the therapist was over-complicating the situation. We needed to step out of the ditch and walk away from it. Not analyze from several angles how we got in the ditch, and all the possible ways to get out - just hop out of the ditch. So we did..."
Spot on. You put that brilliantly. I think there is a place for therapy but sometimes because they're being paid for what they do, I tend to think they feel that they have to over complicate matters to justify you being there.
Simply holding hands - nothing better. It's lovely.
I agree with the time thing too. What does it matter how long you've been together? I know folk who've been married over 40 years and can't stand the sight of each other. But people always ask how long you've been together don't they? So I usually drop it in before they ask.
I also agree with you with the 'lovey dovey' stuff being kept in private and talking about your sex life. YUK
"...None of us invented it, so caress your ego somewhere else..."
I'm going to use that myself one day:)
I believe in talking a lot too. Having a conversation, even if it's simply about what type of day you've had. Talking to each other is essential....and holding hands whilst you talk, of course:D
Ok, you can have your 'comments board' back. Sorry for going on:)
Like Kate, that sentence about the handkerchief made me smile. :)
There's so much that can be said in a simple hand hold, hug, or a kiss.
As for different bedtimes, that also has its benefits.
I love to stay up late, and Tom likes to go to bed early. So I've been trying to go to bed early just to be with him, even if he's asleep and I'm reading. Just to be next to him, you know? Not in another room on my computer. But now? I think I'll stay up late whenever I want so I can be like Mamaw.
Sorry I'm just getting 'round to reading this. I've been hit hard by some odd urge to declutter my house. (Thanks, Oprah. Thanks, Peter Walsh.) I've been sorting piles of crap (you know, I confessed to you about how I have a hard time getting rid of crap, living and inanimate) for over a week. And? I have so much more to declutter. I'm going to be at this for a while . . . if I don't lose my mojo first.