"...it's wasted on the crappiest generation of just spoiled idiots..." Louis C.K.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009 It's not what you have, it's who you are. I tell my kids this all the time. I also tell them, there's no shame in having and enjoying nice things, we simply don't judge people by their possessions. Someone may have a larger home with more "stuff" to play with - that doesn't translate to good or bad, just a person with more stuff. Then we review the opposite example... Someone may have a smaller home with less "stuff" to play with - again, not good or bad, just a person with less stuff. It's who a person is that's important. I think our two oldest boys get it.
Cheri at Blog This Mom included a wonderful link in her recent blog post. It's a clip that's making the rounds so many of you may have seen it. If not, it's worth the four minutes. Conan O'Brien is interviewing the comedian Louis C.K., and Louis riffs about how AMAZING life is and how spoiled we are. It's funny and true. YouTube embedding has been disabled for the clip, but click on the link and watch it - "Everything's amazing, nobody's happy..."
Chris and I continually struggle with how much is too much with our kids. Our boys are far from spoiled, but also have plenty to play with, and have rarely been denied a requested "special" gift for a birthday or holiday. We've made it clear what the boundaries are so they don't ask for things they know aren't kosher in our home. They don't seem bothered and haven't complained about desperately wanting something that we don't believe is appropriate. I can honestly say, I don't think our boys are "bummed" that they don't have game systems [other than Wii], cell phones, or computers in their rooms with Internet access. Oldest Boy [11], Middle Boy [9], and Toddler Child [3] seem content to play board games, build things with Lego's, watch some television, and play approved games on the family computer. When they're outside, they play. I mean, they really play. They look for sticks and rocks and bugs. They build forts in the bushes, ride bikes and run to nowhere.
The goal isn't to raise our kids to be so counterculture that other kids view them as socially off. But my fear is... that it's happening. Chris and I have discussed this and are united in our opinion that it's not worth it to join the mainstream on some of our issues. We just can't.
I confess, sometimes I want to. It's about me though, not the kids.
I spoke with a friend last week and reminded her how much we'd love to have she, her husband and kids over for dinner. I knew as adults we'd visit and eat and drink and laugh... but, I impulsively said, "Will your kids be okay playing with our kids? We don't have a big screen TV with a game system in the basement, or lots of cool play equipment in the backyard. We have rocks and sticks."
She was very gracious and said, "Heck yeah! They'll have a blast!"
After thinking about how concerned I felt for our boys and the possible social judgment they might endure based on what "stuff" they did or did not have, I realized that when I tell my kids, It's not what you have, it's who you are, I need to remind myself... it's the truth.
Reader Comments (35)
There are many things we aren't going to allow that I know for sure....TV's in bedrooms and I'm sure we will have a family computer that I hopefully will not have to share with them.
Sometimes it makes me sad that the kids won't grow up like I did...no computer, a phone that was attached to the wall and 4 channels on the TV. It is such a different world...
Which if you think about it - is kind of a feat considering the fact that ALL kids feel deprived of something at some point.
Bravo to you for letting them work on their imaginations and creativity....it will serve them far better in life than having a cool toy.
Love,Robin
Connie - I'm not anti-tech. My husband's a marketing technology guy, borderline geeky. It's more a statement of excess. Excess anything, and age appropriateness. I recognize each child is different and matures at their own rate. Technology is great!
Kate Coveny Hood - I think you're right. For being the mother of such young children, you have the wisdom of someone much older!
Ms. Maxwell - Again, I'm not anti-technology. It's balance and excess that concern me, and growing-up a little too fast in some cases. I thought if I linked to the book, I would sound completely "anti-technology", and I'm not. If you haven't already, you really should watch the link. It's great!
You're not pathetic. You're funny, and fun! Sounds like you have a good girlfriend too. (One of many, I'm certain.)
The kids (mine are 12, 9 and 6) have a computer in the playroom next to where I do my stuff on my computer. That way I keep an eye on what they are doing.
I love that it seems to keep their attention for a while but then they race outside to play for ages - one of the reasons we moved to the mountains was so they could enjoy greater freedom.
I do my best to balance in this area. Laura has a computer, but it is next to mine, not in her room. She does not have a TV in her room, nor will she ever have one. And, despite that a number of kids in her class have them, she doesn't have a cell phone. Our family has a Wii, she uses Tom's iPod Touch (because he never does), and mostly she LOVES to read and learn, so that's good.
We all know how I love my laptop and iPhone boyfriends, so I'm not advocating for a minimalist upbringing by any means, but here's where I've settled in terms of what I want for my child:
I want Laura's focus in this world to be as a contributor, not a consumer.
That doesn't mean that she shouldn't have access to a computer and knowledge of things that are out there (in fact, that might help her be a contributor), but it shouldn't be the goal to have those things.
I'm rambling.
Time to go watch American Idol. :-D
So I'm TOTALLY with you on this.
Of course, I call the "internet fairy godmother" card and reserve the right to take my internet god kids to laser tag if I ever make my way to Utah. :P
Hugs, BB!
And that video is hilarious. I've watched it a couple of times and each time he makes me laugh out loud. He's got great timing and delivery.
Love, Claire
Mary - Where you live... looks like heaven to me. Your blog is beautiful.
Deidre - This is why you're such a good person! Loving parents.
Dear Claire, You are SO RIGHT! I'll let you know when that happens. Love, Chris
Mrs. D. - I don't think all gaming systems are bad. I'm an advocate of moderation and age-appropriateness. I'm sure your sweet boy is far from "ruined". He'll be an excellent example for the little boy we're all waiting to meet. Hope you're feeling well!
Mama Bird - I'm so thankful to Cheri for sharing it initially (the clip). I've watched it several times now and I still laugh!
Cheri - Thank you. I LOVE your parenting focus - creating a contributor, not a consumer. What a wonderful way to look at it, and I agree, technology is wonderful and these kids should be educated on how to use the tools. It's only going to get better. Laura is NOT one of the "crappiest generation of just spoiled idiots..." that Louis C.K. describes. She's being raised by intelligent, thoughtful, loving parents who are doing a fabulous job. [PS: We also stress to our boys that there's no shame in having and enjoying "nice" things. We don't want them to feel guilty if we're able to purchase something, like a new snowboard, that other kids may not have. It's about gratitude and not taking things for granted... Now I'm rambling!]
We Be Toys - I need to unplug a little more. I'm really trying. Your recent post reminded me how rich life is away from the computer screen - the good, and the bad. Thank you.
Demigod - You can play your "internet fairy godmother" card when you want! The boys love laser tag. You should blog about your and Teddybear's childhoods. [You're almost home... hang in there!]
Jessica - He's a funny guy. I was reading about him, I guess he wrote for David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, and Chris Rock... I imagine it's difficult when ex-hubby always plays the role of "Disneyland Dad". Sounds like you're doing a great job. I don't know how you do it, I really don't.
Lady Fi - Bingo. Adults DO need to remember, myself included.
Anastasia - I started talking with my kids about excess and gratitude when they were young, and I might have made my oldest son feel guilty. Some of it's his personality, but I feel a bit badly. Parenting's difficult.
Claire - Oh boy! On my way!
BTW, glad to see you on Blondefabulocity. My two diabetics are now 10 & 7, but were diagnosed at 16 months and 2 years, so they've had it a while. I hope you come back by again!
I love the clip!
Anyway, I struggle with this all the time --especially living in Southern California -- and I constantly work to remind myself that the "things" do not make a person.
Jennifer - Cute that your kids even pretend spills and actually cry about them. I'll pop over and read your post!
Debbie - I'm mostly pleased when I watch our two older boys interact and how the behave compared to many other kids. It's still difficult sometimes.
San Diego Momma - I imagine there are parts of the country where excess and materialism are a tougher battle to fight than here.
This was a good reminder to keep some perspective.
My favorite childhood memories all involve pillow forts, playing games outside in the neighborhood and dressing up. Simple? Maybe. But utterly delightful!
I love the idea of kids working at something long-term such as a musical instrument, sport, art or other activity and sticking with it to really appreciate delayed gratification. Any parent who's working towards that with a kid is on the right track, in my opinion.
And I love your stuff idea vs WHO you are. Of course, I already know you're an inceredible parent - so I'm not surprised.
I too think about how people will perceive us when they come over. But, so far, our house is still the happening spot, because I make mean pancakes for breakfast and love to wrestle.
We are happy. And that's contagious . . .