Range of Motion
Thursday, April 9, 2009 I wear filters in most of my relationships. I believe we all do. I have the daughter filter, the granddaughter filter, the neighbor filter, the political filter, the religious filter, the professional filter, and too many more to list. Each filter category has settings ranging from low-flow to high-flow. My settings vary based on several variables.
Does this mean I'm phony? Maybe a little. But, I view it as respectfully navigating social waters, while protecting myself from the sting of social rejection.
I was describing a relationship to a friend yesterday [one of the few friends with whom I wear no filters], and I was listing a couple of filters I wear with someone. I clarified that as I've gotten older and more comfortable in my own skin, the filters were looser than they used to be but still necessary.
I've been thinking about friendships and relationships lately. Who I feel accepted by, and who I accept fully. I'm recognizing that I can evaluate the depth of a friendship by the amount of room we give each other to be human beings.
There are people in my life who I afford more life flexibility than I afford myself. There are others for whom I've created boundaries, and I'm not comfortable when they cross or leave those boundaries. My parents, for example - not a friendship, but a significant relationship - have a defined space and list of acceptble behaviors in my mind. The space and behavior list continues to grow and broaden the older I get. Ironically, I expect them to be more generous with their acceptance and support of my choices. It's primal.
The conversation I had with my filter-free-friend yesterday resulted in clarity that's difficult to articulate. My friend commented, "... if your range of motion is that limited with [a person], is the friendship really that important to you?"
The people who allow you a full range of motion are gifts. I can think of three in my life. How many do you have?
Reader Comments (24)
I'm pretty comfortable with who I am so don't really filter that much, although of course, we all do. Especially at work or with touchy people.
As for the full range of unfettered motion, my kids, husband, sister, and maybe three friends.
Great post.
Chris, I really appreciate your posts and our emails on these topics so very much.
I hope i'm making a resemblance of sense - not complete sense, because that would be uncharacteristic.
I can only think of one person that I have full range with and that would be my sister Bobbi. The great thing about her is that I think my kids will have this kind of a relationship with her too.
I went from being surrounded by my old friends (5 people there with whom I had no filters, and several others I had very thin filters with) to being surrounded by colleagues who respected (and liked, I hope!) me, to being home with a baby. I have one filter-less person here, and god-willing we'll be living together till we die, but I yearn for close girlfriends again. I have one great girlfriend here, and a couple of good ones, but we see each other so infrequently...and we just met - relatively speaking, in the span of our lifetimes - that I can't be completely myself ALL the time with them, like I can with my husband. We've been reduced to emails and phone calls since my daughter was born, so I hereby resolve to make more of an effort to see them in person more often. Great post - thank you!
What you are describing I would think is a middle ground & a tad more "social" than my way, but you certainly don't turn into a "phony" doing it your way.
Oddly, the sting of social rejection doesn't bother me ;-0. ~Mary
I don't really think it's a bad thing though. Total disclosure isn't always necessary!
Everyone: These comments are so very thoughtful and reflect how uniquely we each approach relationships/friendships. We all have a bag of experiences (or lack thereof) that color our opinions.
I personally don't think filters are a bad thing, generally speaking. But I've realized (about myself), sometimes I expect more from others than I'm willing to give them - as far as movement. I've also realized the filter-free (or close to it) friendships/relationships are gifts. Doesn't mean the friendships with filters (like Tristan pointed out) aren't genuine and important.
There's value in some (not all) "lifelong" friendships that have withstood the test of time - the changes we go through, personal experiments, disagreements, etc... When one of those friends remains standing after 20, 30, 40 plus years, and is standing firmly in their love for me, there's a level of trust and loyalty - SAFETY - that is difficult to achieve with a "new" friend (not that it can't be done).
These are all great comments. I wish we could get together for a beverage and talk about it more. Thank you.
With my sister I have zero filters. She knows all.
Hubby - no filters, much to his chagrin, I'm sure!
And probably one friend here, tho we've known each other less than 2 years. And defintely no filters with a couple friends I've had since childhood in Canada.
All else I guess is just human nature, filters are the little social masks we all wear. But not all uf us even realize we do wear them. You obviously do, which is cool.
Anyways, multiple "filters" sounds so much better than multiple personalities, I think I'll use that from now on.
Filters are good. I mean, they're like fences. And fences make good neighbors. I have only one filter-limited friendship and I keep that one little teeny tiny filter in place because, well, no one really needs to see just how cluttered it is inside my head, do they?
Again, I'm sorry I went a bit overboard in my last email. I let my worry get the best of me.
love you and happy happy easter! hope it's a fun day with your boys!!
xo
I too have many filters. Funny how few I have here in Blogland. I am what I am here, and I like the freedom.