The Dangerous Post About Religion

Politics and religion. I've purposely not written much about either subject. Not my expertise or my schtick. Until now.

Organized religion fascinates me. I'm drawn to rituals and traditions. As a child raised in a small midwestern town, I watched neighbors faithfully attend various churches every Sunday. People streamed like little ducks into the Methodist Church, some the Lutheran, and some to the nondenominational Main Street Christian Church—the church where my family made an occasional appearance [usually on amateur night...Christmas or Easter].

When I was 11, I asked my mother if she believed in God. She said it wasn't important what she believed, what was important was what I believed. She told me all she knew for certain was that there was something deep inside of her—a feeling—that helped her discern the difference between right and wrong. She said some other things too, but she supported me when I wanted to attend church, Mass or synagogue with friends, learn about Campus Crusade for Christ, or join the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Most of my friends had a tangible family religion. I wanted one too.

I tried. I kind of felt it, but I also faked it. I tried again. I prayed. I meditated. And I felt it—and faked it—again.

Christianity Seemed To Be The New Black

After the birth of our first two sons, Chris and I felt compelled to give them religion. Having been raised in an agnostic household like I was, Chris struggled with me on how to accomplish this. We attended a Unity Church in Kansas City for a brief period. I cried a lot when we went, especially when we sang. Church—corporate worship in general—typically moves me. It was okay, but still not right for us.

While enduring a very difficult and heartbreaking time with one of our young sons, a Christian friend and neighbor encouraged us to attend church with them. Although I'd referred to myself as a Christian since I'd been a child, I REALLY jumped into Christianity with both feet. I read The Good Book many times, as well as the works of Christian apologists, went to bible studies, conferences, and saw Josh McDowell speak. I wanted to understand, know and feel what everyone else seemed to so comfortably embrace.

I was there. I got it. Chris got it. We believed. It made perfect sense, even with the leap of faith that is a part of all religions...at least it made perfect sense most of the time. In hindsight, there was a little bit of faking it, and an abundance of trying and smiling.

No Need To Debate

My goal isn't to change anyone's belief system or disprove a religion. On the contrary, I would never presume to convince anyone of something that I'm not 100% certain of myself. I haven't rejected Christianity in total; I simply can no longer fake...anything. We've met some nice people through the churches we've attended, but I can honestly say that none of those people remained close to us when our church attendance began decreasing. An all-or-nothing approach to social activities and relationships that were rooted in the church began to feel...not right...for us. Not that it's a bad thing, because clearly there are many, many people whose lives revolve around their faith, and it's a positive thing for them. I live in Utah. Remember? I understand.

I tried it on. I wore it until the weight of the fabric became too heavy for me. I unbuttoned a few buttons, shed a few inches from the hem, and finally stepped out of my dress. For me, I could breathe again. Ironically, many of my friends describe that feeling when they step in to their faith. I'm truly tolerant and accepting of the beliefs of others. I don't judge my devout, or non-devout, friends. I suppose because I'm human, I'm prone to a bit of judgment, but my intentions are to understand.

What It Looks Like Now

We don't attend church as regularly as we used to. The boys have a foundation in Christianity, but we were beginning to feel like we were brainwashing them. It was time to back off...for us. Not completely turn the bus around, but slow down. Way down.

When I say I'll pray for you. Know that I will. Usually with Chris and the boys. Without exaggeration, we get on our knees every night as a family, give thanks, pray for the needs of others and for ourselves.  We talk to God. Together. I also talk to God when I run, when I do dishes, when I'm walking through the mall.

The new phrase seems to be "reverently agnostic". Maybe that's what I am. I'm not sure. Maybe a quiet, questioning Christian. Maybe a phony, maybe not.

We named one of our sons James, although he doesn't go by James, Jim or Jimmy. James is a short book in the Bible. I've always liked it. Probably because it was short and easy to understand. I'm also a huge fan of James Taylor. What's not to like? Our son's name will forever be a reminder of the beliefs I straddle and struggle to understand.  

In this moment, I find myself spiritually fed by this...

Comments

[Judy]

Beautiful post. Anyone who can't respect your heartfelt and ongoing journey shouldn't claim your friendship. We too have been moving in a similar direction, so thanks for posting this. A life well-led isn't always shaped by a formal external structure, and we all need to believe in ourselves.

[Mrs. D]

That wasn't so dangerous. It was honest. And I appreciate your candor.

I am at a crossroads in religion right now.

Although I truly like church (the concept, experience)and think it's a good thing, it's easier when it's just God and you.

[Mrs. D/3 Men & a Lady]

And that totally had my old blog address in my previous comment. I fixed it here if anyone cares, lol.

[Chris]

Thank you for your beautiful comment, Judy. I needed that tonight.

[Chris]

I think we complicate things. There are times I enjoy church, and there are times I think, what am I doing here?

[All Adither]

Nicely put. Thanks for sharing your experience so honestly. I like that you've tried it all on and decided what's right for YOU.

[3 Men & a Lady]

Exactly.

[Suzy VerMeer]

I like "quiet, questioning Christian" Sounds right to me. We don't go to church as often as I think we "should", but we pray often and talk about what God wants from us. I want our children to be confirmed in our church, but I think that the values and beliefs of the church we go to here (Utah) are different than the ones I was raised in(Chicago and Minnesota) and I am often at odds with those differences. I struggle with what is the right thing to teach our kids.

[Lady Fi]

'Reverently agnostic' - I love that! Thank you so much for this very honest post... like many others, I find myself in a similar situation.

The Dalia Lama once said, "There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.

[Jane]

It appears I agree with the Dalai Lama. I've never found religion to be a decent substitute for spirituality, ethics, kindness, compassion, empathy, or any other positive human trait. I respect that other people find a sense of comfort or community in organized religion; I've just never personally felt that way.

[V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios]

I could write a similar post--the big differentiator being that I was raised in a religious household and for nearly my entire life, attended church every Sunday. It was personal, done with intent, not a reflex. I was very active and involved in pretty much everything. Then I hit a point where I felt too much of my energy and resources were devoted to sustaining the church as an institution and as an idea. In some respects, the deeper I went into both the church and theology, the less grounded I felt.

Two years ago I walked out and have never gone back. Maybe I will some day.

[Chris]

The difficult part is figuring out how we want to handle the kids. One of our sons is more like I was.  I can tell he likes the idea of church and having a religion.  The other son is the complete opposite.  The third is only four and thinks God is a woman.  I just don't want to screw them up more than I already have.

To: chrisyross@msn.com

[Anastasia]

I respect the fact that you were courageous enough to write about this. I think it's hard to talk about something that is so personal and emotionally charged for millions of people. I come from a complicated background peppered with different religion education. My mother always said something similar to what your mother said and we never went to any kind of church. But we always had a very clear compass of what was right and wrong in this world. I always struggled to belong to some community but never felt authentic in any of them. I love the way you describe your beliefs. I also agree completely with Jane's comment, I think you can have spirituality, ethics, kindness, compassion, empathy, or all other positive human traits inside yourself without the need of organized religion.

[Chris]

"I struggle with what is the right thing to teach our kids."  Me too, Suzy.  Me too.  You can see my reply to Angie from All Adither...

To: chrisyross@msn.com

[Chris]

Thank you for the comment, and for sharing the Dalia Lama quote.  Kindness is key.To: chrisyross@msn.com

[Cheri @ Blog This Mom!]

"The Candid Post About My Personal Beliefs and Organized Religion"??

I understand why you titled it dangerous. It's a hot topic, but often because the person talking about has an agenda to create an impression in the listener rather than simply expressing a personal belief and being willing to exchange ideas. You were talking about your own personal, sacred beliefs, and you clearly respect others'. You wrote about it beautifully. You made your truth clear. What's inside of your heart is personal and beautiful, and you have a real gift in that you are able to share your heart so eloquently and so poignantly.

[Chris]

I don't believe religion is a substitute for the traits you listed, but I also don't believe it's mutually exclusive of them.  I think it's difficult for those people who DO desire the community and direction, guidance or teaching that they perceive any organized religion might provide, in reality, might not provide it for them.  Thank you for stopping by, Jane.  :)

To: chrisyross@msn.com

[Chris]

You're exactly the kind of person I would LOVE to talk with about this.  I don't have many people I can process my feelings with.  I've done my homework.  I've read, and studied, and compared.  "Wish You Well" by David Baldacci has a wonderful character named Louisa.  She's the great grandmother to two children she's left to raise after an accident.  Her approach to God and Christianity is simple.  She lives in Virginia on a farm -- I believe in the Appalachians.  You might enjoy it if you haven't already read it.

To: chrisyross@msn.com

[Chris]

Thank you for the supportive comment, Anastasia.  I understand never "feeling authentic".  I think that was the problem.

To: chrisyross@msn.com

[muskrat]

I might write on this one day...have thought about it ever since I got a comment from someone saying "I know you're not the praying type but..." While I don't talk about religion at all on my blog, I certainly don't denigrate it, either, so I was surprised to see that from someone who's met me in person and read for a while.In any event, I hope y'all find a church or maybe a group of couples to gather with from time to time where you feel energized, educated, challenged, and comfortable. We did, but everyone moved away. We miss it (though we do have a church we like...I just miss the smaller gatherings).

[Kevin (Always Home and Uncool)]

That was well done.

We occasionally ask the Things if they want to go to church and it's a flat no despite the promise of post-liturgical donuts. Some day they'll find something. Maybe even before me.

Peace ...

[tysdaddy]

From one reverent agnostic to another, I get all of this. Except the part growing up in an agnostic family. We were all silly about God and Jesus and potlucks when I was growing up. So my reasons for backing away, taking off the "dress" as you so eloquently put it, were different. Or maybe not . . .

And for the record, when people like you say they are praying for me, I believe them.

Excellent post . . .

[Alix]

Chris, this is a magnificent post. Thank you so much for sharing your beliefs and experiences. Never be afraid or hesitate to speak about your faith. People will either agree or not agree. That doesn't matter. What matters is what you believe and where you draw your strength.

One of the most powerful testimonies I ever heard is from an Australian man named Nick Vujicic who was born with no limbs. Do you know him? If not you must follow this URL to a short YouTube video and check him out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4uG2kSdd-4

[Middle Aged Woman]

HUsband recently told me that he thinks my back pain would lessen if I went back to church. *sigh*

[christy]

What a wonderful, thought provoking post Chris!

I think it's awesome that you have such a strong sense of yourself, and what works for you and your husband. You'll figure out what works best for your kids too, I am sure. Me? I'm not much into religion. My mom was raised in a 'must go to church' family and it backfired. I was never forced to attend, and didn't much want to. I've done the Easter and Christmas services, but don't feel an urge to go any other time. I pray, for others, and my family and myself, sporadically...but I admire you and how you have found a way to embrace what you believe. When I say I'll pray for you - I mean it too...but rather than with my family, together, I just do it then and there...

[Jennifer]

I agree with Muskrat. The smaller gatherings are at times better then the congregational meetings.

I've always gone to church every Sunday, did all that was expected of me and I love it. But I also know it's not for everyone, organized religion. There are fake people and those who are just there to look good. In the end it's all between you and God. I enjoyed reading your post. We walk this life always looking for something. It's when we need it most or even just stop looking that we find it. At least that's how it's worked for me. Whatever works best for you and your family, brings peace into your home and hearts do it. Let it come naturally. Shed the dress and make your own.

[Connie @ Young and Relentless]

Did you see me tweeting about church the other day?

I grew up faking it and couldn't wait until going to church was up to me. I haven't been in over 20 years. But I saw a billboard the other day with a picture of a coffee cup and it said *Church Caffeinated* I went to their website and they are a non-denominational church with three services on Sunday.

I think I'm going to check it out.

I have what I think is a very close relationship with God and I don't think I need a building to make it better....but I would like to have the kids exposed to something more.

I'm so glad you wrote about this.

[jessica]

I am not a fan of organized religion for me. my ex and I believe in something out there greater than ourselves but do not push any religion Jewish or Catholic. My feeling is, if it makes you a better person to do what you do, go for it.

[Phoebe]

Another beautifully written post that I can strongly relate to. Thank you for sharing.

[Captain Dumbass]

Excellent post, Chris, and thanks for the honesty.

[Kate Coveny Hood]

I never talk about politics or religion on my blog either.

The former because I'm woefully ill informed most of the time and get the majority of my "news" from US Weekly. I'm ashamed - but honest.

The latter because I have found myself to be pretty comfortable in my non-church going spirituality. I absolutely believe in...something. But it's complicated and not a "He" (or a "She"). I guess in the end, I believe in pretty much everything that Jesus preached: being kind and second chances and good always being there for you to find it if you look. The fact that I don't believe in immaculate conception or a Church dictating who people can love and marry (when consenting adults are involved of course!) doesn't make me feel any less close to God. I just don't need organized religion - at least not right now.

BUT I grew up in a family exactly like ME. And when I was young I would have given anything to be a normal Catholic family like the other people I knew. So I'm torn about not taking my kids to church. Most likely my husband will just handle this issue by starting to make us all go (even if it's just for the big Sundays). He's a good Catholic, that one. But thank god - for me - he's a Jesuit about it!

[Chris]

These comments are all fantastic. I appreciate the time every single person has taken to share their thoughts, both here on the blog, as well as in a few private emails. I'll reply to each encouraging, supportive and thoughtful comment [even comments that don't fall into those categories!] via an email if I haven't already replied in the comments section of the post. Thank you very much. From the bottom of my heart.

[anna see]

This was a beautiful post--brave and honest and real! Thank you so much!

[Chris]

Uh oh.  You better go.  Your husband is S-M-R-T!  Seriously.  Between the two of you, I'm sure your combined IQ is scaring the you-know-what out of 400. XO

To: chrisyross@msn.com

[Chris]

Thank you, Kevin.  I might go to church more with the promise of "post-liturgical donuts".  Peace to you, too.

To: chrisyross@msn.com

[Chris]

It's funny how people stereotype and make assumptions about our belief systems based on... I don't know... our language?  our humor?  our humanness?

We don't miss the small groups.  No intervention/change needed. :-)

To: chrisyross@msn.com

[Pam]

Phew... so much to think about. I was raised Episcopalian, and have gone through all of the guilt of not practicing. My kids were both baptized, but that was about my parents, not me. I now consider myself a humanist. I am a thoughtful and giving person, and it is not wrapped up in obligation, but what is right. There is so much that is hypocritical about organized religion. I understand the social part, but question the rest. I loved this post, and you are a gift! xoxo

[Judy]

that's sort of how we are too -- oldest likes a lot of the elements of it -- the altar-boying, the ceremony, the stories, etc.; middle would rather ski and the jury is still way out on Lydia! It makes it that much more difficult. We should discuss over a bottle of wine.

[Becky]

I would attend the Church of James Taylor any day. I kid, I kid. :) Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective.

[Chris]

Me too!  And I'm not kidding. :-)

To: chrisyross@msn.com

[Chris]

Judy - Sounds like we're experiencing similar things.  A bottle of wine will definitely provide clarity.

To: chrisyross@msn.com

[Chris]

My mother claims to be a humanist too.  And for the record, my Episcopalian friends were always the coolest. xxxx

To: chrisyross@msn.com

[Corbie]

I'm IRreverently agnostic - not so much irreverent about a Higher Power, in particular - just irreverent in general :). Loved the post, love James Taylor, love being showered by love a lot more than I love the comfort of a church pew. xoxo

[Jannie Funster]

I think you are one of the sweetest people I know! You just exude love and caring, so I'm sure you are high on God's list of Extra-Fine People. And so spiritual, a walking breathing angel, you are.

Funny, when we started going to church less, the friendships fell away as easily too.

And I am always moved to tears in church, tho no one really notices. (At least I don't think anyone does.)

The more I move about the blogosphere and learn of different religions and beliefs, I cannot but believe a loving heart and a "reverential agnosticism" are a beautiful part of what the universe and our place in it are all about.

Loving intentions to me, is all!

xo

[mary]

I pray to my father in heaven - that is, my dad, who died a number of years ago. I truly believe in good and evil (so close to god and devil those words) but long ago left behind the need to go to church to pray. I have no idea whether there is a god or not , but there is this world, these people, this family, this friend , to shower with love.

Thank you for this post.

Thank you.

xxx

[Chris]

Thank you for a beautiful comment, Mary.

To: chrisyross@msn.com

[Chris]

I'm sorry I'm late to reply to this one, Jannie.  I received it while waiting in a carpool line the other day [via my phone].  I appreciate that you "get it"  [being moved in church, the confusion when church friends "fall away"... so ironic].  I don't know where I fall on God's list, and I'm definitely no angel, but I grinned and grinned when I read your words.  Hugs, kisses, love and blessings to you.

To: chrisyross@msn.com

[michael.offworld]

I've been reading about why organized religion is on the decline. It seems natural and after reading this, maybe not such a bad thing. We can be good people and "spiritual" (means something different for all of us) without a church.

I turned away when I was 14 because I didn't buy into the faith by fear paradigm. I didn't know that at the time. Back then I just thought that the other kids in my Sunday School class were laughing at my stuttering.

I've found something new since then and I'm glad. I feel healthier somehow. Like I'm evolving.

Cool post, as always Chris.

[atimetorend]

Beautiful post, very moving, I can very much relate to this statement:"I tried it on. I wore it until the weight of the fabric became too heavy for me. I unbuttoned a few buttons, shed a few inches from the hem, and finally stepped out of my dress. For me, I could breathe again."

Except for the dress part, not being a woman, for me it was a shirt. :^)

" We've met some nice people through the churches we've attended, but I can honestly say that none of those people remained close to us when our church attendance began decreasing. An all-or-nothing approach to social activities and relationships that were rooted in the church began to feel... not right... for us.

I have experienced much the same thing. I think it is that all-or-nothing approach to the church social calendar that made it hard for us to be friends with others when we were in the church, and now makes it hard for those friends to have time with others. Honestly, most of my close friendships when in the church were lived out in the context of planned meetings. Now we just have to plan our own!

So glad that you could find enough room to breath to be able to post this. Thank you for sharing it.

[Beth]

You , my dear, have done nothing to 'screw them up.' They are beautiful boys that, from what I've seen, are caring, loving, sweet little men. You are a great mom! I had to comment... we're all on a journey, and yours is perfect for you. Bless you on your way- you are loved!!