Not intended to be cruel.

I was watching TLC - The Learning Channel - last night.  I learn so much, like what not to wear, a home improvement project's value, how I should parent, the dynamics in a tattoo parlor, that no matter what our families look like in size or shape, we're all the same [screeeeeech]...

After watching TLC last night I was reminded of things for which I am thankful, that I am not.

1.  A Feral Child - Tarzan and Mowgli romanticize the notion of wild children.  As a kid it was adventurous and *fun* to think about living in the forest with bears, wolves or monkeys who loved and protected me.  I would have been Tarzan's Jane right after Michael Jackson's wife.  (Both fictional scenarios, little did I know.)  TLC has educated me.

2.  A Little Person - Because I loved The Wizard of Oz and hoped to live in Munchkinland someday, and my favorite aunt was extremely petite, I wanted to stop growing at the age of 8.  I desired to be a very small person.  The Roloff family amazes me.  I don't even see Matt Roloff as a Little Person - anymore.  He has that thick head of hair, a handsome, raspy voice, and a fine, fine, mind.  He's very appealing.  Watching them prepare for a trip, get in and out of cars, accomplish daily tasks we take for granted, move around their large property...  Again, TLC has educated me.

3.  A 750 pound Man - I was thankful I wasn't a 750 pound man before I watched TLC.

4.  A Conjoined Twin -  Forgive me.  I literally have had nightmares about this since I was a child.  I saw two women conjoined at the tops of their heads on The Phil Donahue Show my mother was watching when I was very young.  I'd never heard of two people being physically connected.  I thought their necks must be killing them.  Man.  They seemed relatively happy and if I remember correctly, they even had "relations" with men somehow.  On a serious note, it's miraculous when surgeons successfully separate conjoined twins.  If I however, was stuck to my sibling, I'd smack her all day long.  "Get off!"  TLC didn't educate me about the realities of this condition, but it reminded me to be grateful for my oneness.

I don't watch much television.  A little channel surfing during unwind time at night in bed, feels good.  If I'm watching a brainless, stupid humor show when Chris joins me in our room, he says, "What?  No surgeries, unsolved murders, tragic human conditions for us to watch?  You know how that puts me in the mood..."

Hey. That was my idea.

I've had a few good project ideas over the years.  I didn't have time to get them from my mind to the paper, but I thought about them real hard.  OR, someone beat me to it...

1989  All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten - My idea.  I wasn't comfortable writing anything with sex, drugs, or foul language because I couldn't bear the thought of revealing to my family that I had any experience or exposure to these things (little did I know they were already aware).  I could however, write a collection of wholesome, witty essays entertaining people with things I learned as a young child. Jerry Seinfeld was emerging with his "clean" humor - the time was right.  Robert Fulghum got in my head.

1995 Now and Then - My idea.  Marlene King wrote the screenplay for this movie (which wasn't very good - because I didn't write it) based on the neighborhood in the small town where I lived in the 1970s.  It was the Gaslight Addition in Winchester, Indiana (the movie was almost called The Gaslight Addition).  Marlene lived in our neighborhood and I played with her younger sister Angie but Samantha Kelly was my best friend.  Two of the main characters in the movie are named Samantha and Chrissy (thanks Marlene - stole my idea and my name).  Marlene named the girl loosely representing her sister Angie - Angie.  I was devastated when I was told the film was being made and that Demi Moore was one of the producers.  I was robbed again, by one of my own people.

2002 A Girl Named Zippy - Mine too.  If Marlene King didn't nail the growing up in small-town Indiana experience, I could write a true memoir - a collection of simple short stories about my childhood in Winchester, Indiana.  Haven Kimmel heard my head spinning so hard and fast, jumped on it and wrote her memoir about growing up in Mooreland, Indiana.  Bless it.

Edgy Grittier Essays - This was what the world needed.  I'll forget about my reputation, and write gritty, edgy, real humor.  I've got tons of material that's funny, and relateable - I've done interesting, crazy things.  My closest friends know, they laugh, they love my stories, why not share it with the world!?  What?  Who the hell's David Sedaris?

2004  I am Charlotte Simmons - My.  Idea.  This is a very big book, not well received by the critics but I liked it, because it was my idea.  I could write about my college experience in a way that was fresh, honest and raw.  Exposing the intellectuals, the athletes, the frat boys, sorority girls, the ethnic, money, alcohol, drug, pretty/ugly girl issues.  I dated the white athlete on the mostly black basketball team just like Charlotte Simmons.  I saw how the athlete's really spent their free time.  This was my material.

Dooce - I was gonna do that.  My husband kept saying, you should write, the Internet provides an instant audience and an immediate writer's experience. I could have been Dooce.  I had food and body image issues, depression, questions about faith, was a good girl, gone bad, then good again (sort of).  It's just not fair.

The Internet - I totally thought of that.

When will this end?

10 Random Things

Deb at San Diego Momma tagged me for this "10 Random Things" meme.

If you blog, check out Deb's post on "The Five Stages of Blogging".  Her PrompTUESDAY exercises are a fun, pressure-free way to challenge creative writing skills.  Her site is a safe environment, with one of the nicest, welcoming community of bloggers I've stumbled upon.  I'm sure there are many more out there, but it's refreshing to feel comfortable and encouraged, not judged or excluded while wading in the blog waters.

My 10 random things:

1. Driving - I've had 24 moving violations and been in five car accidents. [Alcohol has never been involved in any of these incidents.]  The reason I can still legally drive is that the tickets span 25 years, they were in multiple states, most when I was younger and able to fly under radar with points and insurance.  I'm not an aggressive driver, just unlucky (maybe a bit distracted too).  I get caught at everything I attempt that even slightly breaks a rule.  All of the accidents were my fault and resulted in multiple tickets.  I was only injured once, and have never injured anyone else - maybe a little whiplash.  Dad was thrilled when I married Chris so he wouldn't have to insure me.  I have no business behind the wheel of a car.

2.  Geography - I'm terrible at geography.  I have no idea where I am on the planet - ever.  North, south, east and west are up, down, right and left to me.

3.  Hoop Skirts and Canopy Beds - When I was a little girl my Mamaw (Hoosier for grandma) would ask what I'd like her to bring me back from a trip.  I always requested a hoop skirt like Anna wore in The King and I.  When asked what I wanted for Christmas or a birthday, I asked my Grandmother Fisher (who I simply called Grandmother) for a canopy bed.  Sadly, they remain unfulfilled wants.

4.  Yul Brynner - I fell in love with Yul Brynner in the early 1970's, about the same time I wanted to be a stripper, after watching him dance with Anna.  He still melts my butter.

5.  Shrimp - I no longer eat shrimp since my brother Mallory Joe described them as "cockroaches of the sea".  I can't get the visual out of my mind.

6.  Airplanes - I worked for an airline before we had kids.  I'm not a pilot (I wasn't a flight attendant either) but worked in pilot training.  I've had the opportunity to fly a B737, B757, and an A320 full flight simulator.

7.  Who am I? - I often feel like I'm playing too many roles in life.  All the faces I wear for various friends and family members.  If the worlds collided, I might be discovered for the phony that I am.

8.  Tricks -  I don't have many, but I'd love to learn to tap dance and play the drums.

9.  Aromas - Smells fascinate me.  I smell dirty socks, sniff stains on the carpet, and can identify a stranger's perfume/cologne.  I have a good sniffer.  As anyone who's been pregnant knows, sense of smell heightens while with child.  Chris and I were hiking in Arizona when I was 5 months pregnant with Oldest Boy.  Chris was in front of me.  I smelled stink and barked, "Did you fart?".  Chris said, "Nooooo.  But I'm sure someone in Colorado did."

10.  Massages - I don't enjoy professional massages.  I've tried.  I'll try again - maybe.  I can't relax naked, while a stranger touches me everywhere.  I've tried wearing my underwear - still awkward.

Enough about me.  Let's see if we can get Mary at Unmitigated, Kate at The Big Piece of Cake, Joanne at Joe Girl, and Corbie at Random Musings to play...  or anyone else who feels inspired.