Up In Smoke

The "Jesus hates it when you smoke!" ashtray featured in my last post generated strong responses. People either thought it was great or it made them feel uncomfortable. My apologies to those of you who I offended. Please don't read the rest of this post. *kisses*

A few people have asked where they can get their own ashtray...

I recommend searching irreverent, greeting card stores, coffee shops, book stores, or your local gay porn establishment. Here in Utah, it's one stop shopping. I purchase the "Jesus hates it when you smoke!" ashtray at a store where I can buy irreverent greeting cards, best-selling books, keychains, have a cup of coffee and pick up gay porn. Somehow I manage to do this with a four-year-old boy in tow, simply distracting him with the rainbow flags, kites and wind chimes that are tinkling above our heads.

Speaking of the Ashtray...
Two of my local friends requested an ashtray last week. We'll call them Mulva and Juicy. Because I frequent the store where the ashtrays can be purchased, and I usually have spares tucked away in my personal gift center, I was more than happy to help Mulva and Juicy score one. These friends' kids attend the same school as our sons, so it seemed convenient to transfer possession of the ashtray at the school.

The Plan
Middle Boy [10] had a holiday concert on Friday morning. I would stay home with Four-Year-Old Boy [uncivilized] and Chris would attend the concert. Juicy would be at the concert, so Chris could discreetly hand her the small Williams Sonoma bag cleverly containing the ashtray wrapped in white tissue paper. Mulva would not be at the concert, so I asked Chris to please deliver the small Sundance bag, also cleverly camouflaging the tissue wrapped ashtray, to Oldest Boy's [12] homeroom teacher. Chris was supposed to simply hand it to the teacher—we'll call her Mrs. Teacher—and tell her that the bag was for Mulva, who would be by at the end of the day to retrieve it.

Note:  I do not know Mrs. Teacher very well. We've only had the opportunity to chat in person during parent-teacher conferences.

Fat, Dumb and Happy
I assumed things went according to plan. I hadn't heard differently. My weekend was busy with ongoing Christmas preparation. I do recall asking Chris, "Did you see Juicy at the concert?" He told me he did and shared pieces of their conversation with me.

Sunday Afternoon
In an unrelated Facebook comment thread, Mulva casually mentioned that Mrs. Teacher wasn't in her classroom on Friday afternoon and an attempt to find the ashtray with the help of another teacher resulted in nada.

Hmmm...

Channeling Inner Special Ops Girl
Chris was outside shoveling snow. I high-stepped through the house and out the garage, shrieking, "Chriiiis!" I asked him if he gave the bag to Mrs. Teacher. 

"What? Uh. No. I was in a hurry so I gave it to Oldest Boy to give to her."

The color drained from my face. "Did you tell Oldest Boy to tell Mrs. Teacher that she was to hold the bag for Mulva until the end of the day?"

"Uh. No."

I shrieked for Oldest Boy, who was in the backyard. My entire body visibly throbbed with my heartbeat.

Oldest Boy happily answered my call.

"Did you give the bag Dad gave you to Mrs. Teacher?" I manically chirped my question.

"Yes."

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her, this is from my mom."

FAINT.

It's AAALLL Good
Somehow I managed to find Mrs. Teacher's phone number and dial it, in spite of the fact that I was convulsing. She was gracious as I babbled and explained and apologized and offered myself up for detention. I tried to throw Mulva under the bus too, but somehow it didn't work for me. It was HER ashtray after all.

Mrs. Teacher shared my "gift" with other faculty Friday afternoon during a meeting, and...THE DEAN. Neato.  She said it was a huge hit, although admitted to being confused as to why I would give her such a unique gift. She laughed at the comedy of errors and offered to get the ashtray to Mulva. I told her it wasn't necessary. Mrs. Teacher seemed genuinely happy to keep it, for story value if nothing else.

Next year I'll get her a "Jesus Shaves" coffee mug. His beard disappears when hot beverages are poured into the mug.

Forgive me.

The End

Comments

[Cheri @ Blog This Mom!]

And I thought this stuff could only happen to me. Also? Is there a Jesus Trims His Nose Hair grooming set? If so, I could use one -- not for my nose hair, but to give to a loved one. Jesus was all about giving, right?

[Jannie Funster]

Is there really a "Jesus Shaves," mug??

Chris, I do think the Divine Powers are always on the look-out for fine blog fodder for you. How else could one explain all the wacky things this blog has to offer??

[X]

This post had me LOL-ing quite a bit. That is a classic story. The big question is, Does Miss Teacher smoke? If so, she was probably wondering how the hell you knew. If not, she was probably even MORE confused. I love it!

So, can you email me and tell me where this ashtray came from exactly? I'm in Utah until Sunday and would love to visit the store.

[Corbie]

Since I'm local and feel like I know most of the cast of characters, I can't help but wonder A) who Juicy is and B) how I get myself such an awesome pseudonym.

Loved the ashtry, loved the story, and thought to myself 'my heart would be beating out of my chest at that moment' just before I went on to read that yours indeed was. Happy Holidays! I feel inspired to spend mine looking at gay porn.

Love You.

[Deidre]

Who knew Jesus could cause so much drama? Oh wait...

I am so glad things turned out ok! You crack me up!

[christy]

Oh my god I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. Seriously. So freaking funny. FAINT! That's priceless Chris. So impressed with that teacher too - I bet she does NOT smoke. It's Utah right? All those mormons - I bet she doesn't smoke.

HAHAHA! I can't stop laughing. But I must, or I'm going to wake up a sleeping Fiona. Shhhh...

[Judy]

Chris, I am cracking up, but with sympathy for you for the mixup. But mostly cracking up. It's like the Christmas gift version of mistakenly hitting "reply all."And Corbie -- I will out myself as Juicy. The very funny thing is, Chris, that my college philosophy teacher had a pronounced accent and so I am forever more "Juicy" to anyone who knew me that year. Who would've ever thought I'd get hit with it again? :-)

[mary]

Jesus shaves?

I may need to import that into Australia!!

A gorgeous comedy of errors Chris !!

[Pam]

OMG!! That is the funniest story ever (for anyone except you!)!! I feel your pain. My sister found Jesus action figures one year and sent me two.... I loved them except I was afraid to show them to anyone! I wish I had saved one for you! It had invisible wheels so it appeared to float (as in walk on water..)! xoxo

[Connie Weiss]

Oh my GOODNESS! That is hilarious! So glad that Mrs. Teacher is good natured.

[Chris]

I'm relatively certain that Mrs. Teacher does not smoke. Have fun visiting while you're here. You'll enjoy the store!

[Chris]

Bingo!

[Chris]

I've seen those, but never noticed the invisible wheels. I'm in a *different* place spiritually than I was a few years ago, but I still get a little uncomfortable with some of the Jesus humor. Isn't that funny? It's the Catholic in me... oh, wait... I'm not Catholic. :-)

[Chris]

I KNOW this exact thing could happen to you. I find comfort in that. I'll keep my eyes peeled for the Nose Hair thingy. I can think of a couple of loved ones who could use one.

[Anne]

This story is priceless!!! I am laughing long and hard over it. You are such a great writer, Chris!!! Merry Christmas to you and yours, BTW!

[jessica]

you realize that is exactly something that would happen to me. Glad she had a sense of humor. I think the ashtray rocked.

[anna see]

Oh Good Gracious! This is the stuff of LEGEND. And I thought it was bad when my mom made me give my teacher a pineapple for Christmas.

Loved this post and your great sense of humor.

Tom says, "Lighten up Frances!" to me, too. It bugs me. Where did this statement come from????

[Captain Dumbass]

Oh, Chris, that was beautiful in so many many ways. I love the ashtray, and the Jesus shaves mug? Is that for real?

[Mrs. D/ 3 men and a lady]

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That is so hilarious! I know you must have been mortified, but it's a riot! (And makes great blog fodder ;-) I would have loved to have seen your his teacher unwrap that.

[Da Goddess]

Glad the gift went over so well. And you know, I'm kind of loving the teacher who would dig that ashtray.

Merry Christmas!

[Simonne]

Totally hysterical!! LOVE it!!

[michael.offworld]

Now THAT's Christmas! Very funny, Chris. Thanks.

[Erica M]

Clicked through from Jew Eat Yet, Danny Miller's space. Funny post! Thanks for the great gift ideas...

[V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios]

(Repeating my Twitter comment for the benefit of your blog-only readers):

Of course Jesus hates it when you smoke. This is why he doesn't want you to go to hell. ; )

[Muskrat]

i think this is awesome. I need one to discourage my glue sniffing habit.

[San Diego Momma]

I will NOT forgive you.

Unnnllleessss, you provide an online link to where a Godless person might purchase such inappropriate paraphernalia.

[e cigarette]

Great post... keep it up lol.