The Weapon

Chris was out of town last week. I can now manage the the kids and the house while he's away without hyperventilating or leaving teeth marks on my tongue from biting it with frustration. Toddler Child sleeps through most nights and we deal with a nightmare, an accident, or a blood sugar issue only occasionally. I don't think a child has vomited once in 2009. [I know. I shouldn't tempt fate by sharing that fact.]

The week went fairly well. Except for one day. It was T-minus 24 hours until Chris was to be home. I hate coming undone when I'm so close to the end of something that requires a little more from me. I don't know if I create a self-fulfilling or a self-defeating prophecy in these situations. But I do it almost every time.

I was singing dorkily in the car while taking Middle Boy to his guitar lesson. His disapproving, yet ironically not disrespectful, glances told me he was embarrassed by my grooves. I asked him lightheartedly, "Do I ever do anything that annoys you?"

"Sometimes."

"Like what?"

"Well...I can't think of the word...but sometimes...you're... ... ..."

I knew what he was thinking. I instantly felt it. He truly didn't know the word, but he was thinking bitchy. I waited. He was innocent and thoughtful as he searched for the word to answer my question.

"...sometimes you're...grumpy."

I asked him to explain and give me some examples. The look on my face and the tone of my voice told Middle Boy this wasn't going the direction either of us thought it would. He nervously described how he dropped a perfectly clean, plastic fork on the floor and I got REALLY mad. I don't remember this, and I told him so. I wanted more examples. I was aware of my subtle but palpable shift to defensiveness partnered with antagonism. My son was aware too, and chose his words carefully as he answered the assault of questions I threw at him.

When we got home from the guitar lesson I told Oldest Boy about my question to Middle Boy and the answer I received. He could tell I was irritated and politely and diplomatically supported his brother. He said some days I'm very patient but other days I get frustrated with them a little quicker than usual.

What did I do with this honest and valuable information from my sons? I chastised them. All night. I peppered what should have been a pleasant evening with, "And ANOTHER thing..." I reminded the boys of everything I do around the house. I reminded them how good they have it compared to other kids. I reminded them that the "other mothers" who are sooo wonderful have GRUMPY days too. I reminded them that some kids don't even HAVE a mother. They were pink-eyed and trembly-lipped a couple of times.

Toddler Child was lying low. Happy for once that he wasn't the boy on the receiving end of one of my manic lectures.

Dinner, showers, bedtime reading routines, all were accomplished successfully. Toddler Child had been sleeping with something to protect himself and the rest of the family while Chris was out of town. He requested it for one more night, in case he needed to battack someone.

NOTE:  We're not a gun family. Chris nor I were raised by parents who hunt, target shoot or have a need for a gun, so we're raising our kids the same. Our arguments are just passionate enough that if we had a gun in the house, it's possible that one of us would eventually be referred to as "Stumpy". Or "inmate number 35704-019".

It was after 10:00 PM and all three boys were asleep. In a span of seconds, I was painfully aware of how heavy I'd been earlier. Selfishly, I entered Oldest Boy's room, hugged him and apologized for my rant. He hugged me back and said, "I forgive you." I repeated the scene in Middle Boy's room. He's a sound sleeper and didn't respond. I hoped somehow my words and heart penetrated his dreams. I would talk to him in the morning.

Toddler Child hadn't been on the receiving end of my behavior directly, so I chose to let him sleep. I also didn't want to invoke a battack by a plunger. 

One weapon had been drawn too long. It was time to put them all down.

Comments

[Judy]

Chris, we've all been there, don't be hard on yourself. I had almost the exact same conversation, rant and set of apologies not too long ago.(And I have to admit it makes me feel better to read this!)

[Chris]

It's a rotten feeling! I'm glad you feel better, and I appreciate you sharing that you've experienced the same type of scene. :-)

[Jane]

I'm admitting that I read this with a grimace, through no fault of your own. I had a flashback to my mother asking seemingly interested questions, me trying to answer diplomatically, and then her going off the deep end with anger. *Deep sigh*.

You're not anything like my mother; you love your boys and it's obvious in every post. I'm sure they do forgive you and hey -- if being grumpy is the worst thing they can think of, then they ARE pretty darn lucky. :-)

[Chris]

I thought of you as I wrote this, Jane. I hope I'm not like your mother, but it pains me to know I've hurt these little boys by behaving recklessly with my awesome responsibility. I'm not complaining, just confessing. I think it's important to admit my mistakes and personal failings to the kids, but even then... I think they feel burdened. I truly believe they feel loved and safe in our home though. Thank you for commenting.

[Alix]

Uh, Chris... no offense, but if you're going to open up a Pandora's Box like that with your kids again... get a gun.

Love ya.

[Cheri @ Blog This Mom!]

Oh Chris, we all have those days and nights. Just ask my two older kids. Also? Ask my youngest, too. You know, the one who requested a lawyer last week.

We aren't a gun family either. Not by a long shot, so to speak. I am happy to learn that in the event of a home invasion robbery, I can use my plunger to defend myself.

[Mrs. D]

Too many times I have fallen asleep worried that I was too hard on my older son, age 6, that day. He's so grown up and I feel that a lot of times we take that for granted and expect way too much from his little self. I have to constantly remind myself that he's a little kid and that he's not perfect no matter how much I nag and that he's GOING to smack his lips when he eats, or trail toys through the house, or whatever. And that I should chill.

Do you think that dads have these guilty moments? Or is it just a mom thing?

[Chris]

I think fathers struggle with guilt and regrets just like mothers do. My husband has said to me, "I could have handled that better." I think the parent that spends the most time with the kids [typically the mother, but not always] has more parenting experiences, both good and bad. I think women in general are more prone to self-analysis and the guilt that accompanies it, but I assume men [fathers] feel these things too.

I know you love your sons. I just received a lovely email from my friend, Jane, emphasizing the importance of that, as well as the importance of recognizing when we've not handled something well. Your comment indicates you're both loving and aware. :-)

[tysdaddy]

Yep, we parents sometimes have a hard time dealing with the honesty of our kids. They see with different eyes, and when they open up like this, it's a special thing.

Good to read you again, after a VERY long hiatus. Glad you are well . . .

[Middle Aged Woman]

I officially give us both permission to occasionally suck at parenting. Handling three boys on your own is hard, and that was quite a question to pose when Mr. Chris wasn't there to help diffuse the situation! I admire you for asking, but maybe a better time would be when you aren't already stressed. I TOTALLY would have done the same thing you did. And you weren't mad at the boys, you were mad at yourself. I have learned to stop myself mid-rant sometimes and say, sorry, it's not you, it's me, bad day, it happens.

I thought of you lots at BlogHer, and wished you were there to share it!

[Anne Floyd]

Dear Chris ~

Modeling a repentant heart is a very wonderful thing. I can remember my mom apologizing a couple of times to me for her rants, and that helped me to offer apologies to students when necessary. You did good, Lady!

[Da Goddess]

In a way, I'm glad to hear you give voice to this because I truly believe it's something all of us struggle with. We ask questions we don't want answered honestly or at least don't expect the honesty with which they're answered. But...you know what? Even if we respond defensively, at least we ask and our children answer. When they stop answering, we really need to start worrying!

You're a great mother, Chris. And your kids are great kids.

Now, I'm going to hug my son for being an unwilling participant in my crazy life (and for dealing with all my queries, jokes, singing, and...well, existence).

[pam]

Kids need to know that we're human... we have grumpy days and pms! Two examples to help you feel better...When I went back to work my daughter was in 5th grade. I told her that if I ever got crabby after school it probably wasn't her, that it probably had just been a long day. We got in the car after school one day and something set me off. I raged at her as she cowered against the car door. Finally in a very small voice she said, "it's not me, right?" yikes.When she was very small (2 maybe) we were in the grocery store, Liz was in the cart and being so obnoxious. I was getting more and more irritated and she knew it. As I reached to get something off the shelf, she saw my arm go up and screamed, "don't hit me mommy!" EVERYONE in the store turned around and looked to see who the abusive mother was... She's twenty-five and I can finally tell these stories without feeling the huge stomach knot of guilt! :)

[Connie @ Young and Relentless]

Chrisy....I'm grumpy right now. And often. I'm struggling with things I want to do versus things I need to do and I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed. I need to let some things go....

Love you!

[Bill Carter]

You have to give yourself a break on this one. As a parent myself, I sometimes am short tempered or not as patient with my son as I would like to be. Both my wife and I. But it is not a perfect world and we are not perfect people and well... we do the best we can. But it is the realization that maybe we could have done something better and tell our child we are sorry and still love them. That is what matters. That they know they are loved and whatever short term thing happens, we are always there for them. I am quite sure your boys know.

[Deidre]

If my parents ever asked me questions like this, I probably didn't answer because I don't like to talk about stuff with my parents and then they'd get grumpy with me for being so stoic and quiet.

[Lady Fi]

What a poignantly brave post! Thanks for sharing.

We've all been there - and will go there again. As for myself, I find myself ranting at the kids even though I know it's wrong. It's a form of adult tantruming, I guess - and I know that I feel ugly inside after doing so.

Still, we have to forgive ourselves and promise to do better tomorrow.

[Coco]

Whew...you were having a moment weren't you. I have had them lately too but my kids are grown and nowhere near me right now...thankfully. Thanks for stopping by and visiting me.

Lets hope that both our weeks are better than the last. I know I could use a vacation. I warn my sister that I am bitchy and just ignore me.

and if this stupid cat doesn't quit running across my keyboard I am going to scream. Okay. chill...deep breaths.

[christy]

I am sure all of us have had these types of days too...and will continue to do so - we're only human after all.

Great photo in the post, but even better new profile picture - I love it!

[Jannie Funster]

Your honesty always moves me, Chris.

I get cranky too. We all do. It's the best of us who realize this, admit it and apologize. I don't believe I ever got an apology from my mom for any of her too-numerous-to-count tirades when I was a kid.

And I bet Middle Boys's subconscious heard every word. Funny, I did an apology to Kelly in her sleep like that last week for having been cranky! and when she woke she came to give me all kinds of extra kisses and hugs, I mean slathering me, so I bet she took in every word.

[Mary]

Wow - you touched a chord with all of us here - all of us who know those exact moments of guilt - breaks my heart sometimes when I realise I have overdone my parenting.

And yet, and yet - do we pat ourselves on the back when we get it exactly right?

No. And maybe we should...

[michael.offworld]

Wow. What an awesome, open post. I'm not going to offer advice. That would be like the blind leading the blind (I anger easily too). You've gone far just by writing this down and acknowledging it, don't you think? I think so. Gil Fronsdal, a zen priest with a western way of explaining things, has some great talks on emotions. There are a couple about anger. (http://www.audiodharma.org/talks-gil.html)

[Muskrat]

That picture....twisted and evil.

[V-Grrrl at Compost Studios]

My husband travels a lot with his work, and when our children were really small and he'd be gone for two weeks at a shot, it took everything I had to hold myself together while tending them 24/7, never getting enough sleep, and having to handle every crisis, illness, and crazy-ass parenting moment on my own.

[The Demigod]

"I hoped somehow my words and heart penetrated his dreams." - *tear *sniff

[Michele Hinz]

Chrisy,I'm not sure if I'm doing thjs right (I'm new to blog commenting) but I had to let you know thatA. you are a fantastic writerB. been there, done that a few tunes!C. The picture made me laugh so hard that I now have tears in my eyes.

Robin told me about your blog and sent it some time ago. I came across it in my bookmarks and got to readin' Brian heard me laughing so hard and now knows that I"m not really "working" back here in the office!

Anyhoo, great post, I will keep checking in!