Large Like Jabba The Hutt
Sunday, June 27, 2010 It's my mom's fault. My inability to explain things to the kids with straight talk. My brother only wanted to know what the word "virgin" meant that summer evening while we ate dinner as a family in 1980. After a lengthy explanation where Mom described "purely driven snow", "virgin wool" and things that had never been touched, she asked him, "Now, Joe. Are you a virgin?"
He replied, "Nope. I'm a Gemini." He was eleven.
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A couple of weeks ago, I was in the Salt Lake City airport waiting for my two oldest sons to board a Southwest flight to Denver. Because they're 12 and 10, I decided to forgo the $50 each way unaccompanied minor charge. They've flown many times with Chris and me, and were excited to travel alone to spend some time with their grandparents.
The boys didn't seem nervous, until I finished the Mom Pep-Talk.
"When you get on the plane, don't pick an empty row. You won't have control over who chooses to sit with you. You're small, clean and quiet so you'll be attractive seatmates to everyone. Do NOT sit next to a man. Any man. Not that all men are bad. It's just that the majority of crimes are committed by men. Look for a woman. A clean woman...with kids. But if she doesn't have kids with her, look for someone who looks like she probably has kids. Or an old person. Old women are usually very safe. You can sit by an older man as a last resort, but only if he's really old and doesn't look creepy. Not that you can tell if someone's creepy or bad by how they look. Because sometimes someone can look nice and clean, but they're creepy...don't worry about that right now. Avoid a large person if you can. Large people aren't bad, it's just an issue of personal space. Does that make sense to you? I don't mean to sound unkind...I'm talking Jabba the Hutt large, not normal large. You know, where they might leave some DNA on you. But look out for the slender people who are shedding skin or don't seem clean. It's a hygiene issue. Look for someone who has good hygiene regardless of their size. Know what I mean? It's important not to judge people by their appearance. Just look for a clean, mom-type woman...although women commit crimes too...just not as often. You'll be okay..."
I babbled and confused and worried them. They wanted to know what kind of crimes people would commit on an airplane. I explained I would hate for someone to lift one of their iPods.
Oldest Boy is a germaphobe like me and can now add to his growing pile of nightmares, the vision of a Jabba the Hutt-like person invading his personal space and sharing germ-ridden DNA, then stealing his iPod.
A woman, the clean kind with a handful of children, was in earshot of my terrifying pep-talk and instructions. She understood everything I was trying to convey to my sons and assured me she would keep an eye on them, even offering to sit with them if necessary.
The boys made it to Denver, had a great time, and returned safely with no tales of traumatic events [other than my pep-talk], no flesh-eating diseases, and all of their possessions. Oldest Boy told me he scouted the moms in the boarding area for the return flight and found one to sit with them. [He still listens to me and values what I say. Good news, bad news.]
Oldest Boy and Middle Boy in Colorado - June 2010
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In case anyone was wondering... I'm not a virgin either. I'm a Gemini.
Reader Comments (35)
All I can say is, I can't WAIT for your kids to start their own blogs. LMAO.
BTW, Christy from A Lil Welsh Rarebit pointed out this blog post of yours as a must-read...I have to say I agree!
Thanks, Captain! Was just talking to my husband about you. Hope baby boy #3 is doing well. Mama too...
Just wait until the Foo and C are traveling alone [I know it's difficult to imagine now.], but you'll be as neurotic as me. [BTW, saw your post in my Reader. Looks like you're a real triathlete now. Cool!]
It's so funny you mention "the smell"... Middle Boy [10] shared that he remembered sitting next to someone with an odor once. [He's my "pig" child, so it tickled me that he even noticed.] So fun to see you on my blog! This is Kongelonglongyong... right? ;-)
I get you, girl. Oldest Boy went to diabetes camp last year [he happens to have Type 1] and will not be returning this year. Not because of diabetes related issues, but because of OTHER issues. We'll have to chat sometime...
I love it when other neurotic people "out" themselves. Makes me feel better. Thank you. :-) Christy's kind, and I could eat her nummy babies. Man!
I could have purchased two round trip tickets to escort the boys to Denver, return, then fly back to Denver and escort them home for the same amount it would have cost for the unaccompanied minor fee. I should have bought the tickets, because their therapy bill will far exceed any savings, and my therapy bill after they start blogging will drain our retirement account. Thanks, V. Where are you when I need you? :-)
Gee. And I try to be so careful with this blog. I'll consider myself advised and warned. Thanks, Jack! ;-)
I just left my baby at summer camp...his first day of school ever. It was so happy and so sad for me all at once.
Pearl
I completely got what you were saying and I'm pretty sure I've given a similar speech to my six year old daughter when they were doing stranger danger stuff at school. I was trying to tell her who would be 'appropriate' to talk to if she got lost in a store. I went with clean mom-type too.
Thoroughly enjoyable.
I've been pretty lucky so far....
Thanks for making me smile!
Glad they made it out and back safe and sound. They are growing up, must tug on the olde heartstrings.
xo
I'm a Virgin. My wife is a Gemini and she has a touch of OCD like you. I wonder if it's a Gemini thing? I'm going to forward this post to her!
M
I would have literally passed out. I can't even imagine. Your poor husband!
You make me laugh. I totally would have had that same talk with my daughters. Totally.