Tough Negotiator

December 1989

Chris and I had been married just over a month and were excited to purchase our first Christmas tree together.  Our budget was $20.  Not much, even twenty years ago.

We visited two Christmas tree lots and both times I immediately told the lot owner, "We want the biggest tree you can give us for $20!"  Neither lot had a tree taller than three feet available for that price.

As we got in the car without a tree the second time, Chris said, "Please don't say anything at the next lot.  Let me do the negotiating."

I tried.  Chris patiently followed the lot owner from tree to tree, nodding his head, whittling the price down.  I dutifully stood beside Chris and tried to look young and sweet... and poor.  Things weren't moving fast enough.  I felt an opening, sensed a softness growing in the lot owner.  "This tree is perfect for our apartment, but we only have $20," I said.

We left the lot without a tree again.

**********

Purchasing cars, houses, negotiating in general, is not my strength.  I show my hand too quickly... Would you like to see our bank accounts?  I pay more than is necessary because I trust the seller... He TOLD me this was a good deal.  Why would he lie?  Or I kill the transaction because I spastically blurt the wrong thing at the wrong time... Are you trying to screw me?

We bought a car recently and Chris reminded me several times to please just shhh.  He's kinder than most partners would be with my track record, "I know you're only trying to help, but you've got to let me handle this.  Don't say anything about money.  Try not to say anything at all... in front of anyone.  You and I need to talk privately."

It was hard, but I did it.

**********

Yesterday, we had a new guy do some yard work for us.  He gave me a bid for the work a couple of weeks ago.  It sounded... fine.  [What do I know?]  The man worked hard in the hot sun all day, the bushes and beds looked groomed and tidy and he was a pleasant person.

I gave the guy a check, came in the house and told Chris how pleased I was with the work that had been done.  I said, "He tried to charge us less than his original bid.  But, I reminded him... it was such a hot day... plus he's got to haul all that stuff away and unload it."

"So, you paid him more?"

"... ... ...  I don't want him to feel like we're taking advantage of him," I said.

"So, you negotiated up?"

Chris was calm, but he added, "Don't do that."

**********

I have a little money.  Anyone want some?

[Image courtesy of Google Images]

Large Like Jabba The Hutt

It's my mom's fault. My inability to explain things to the kids with straight talk. My brother only wanted to know what the word "virgin" meant that summer evening while we ate dinner as a family in 1980. After a lengthy explanation where Mom described "purely driven snow", "virgin wool" and things that had never been touched, she asked him, "Now, Joe. Are you a virgin?"

He replied, "Nope. I'm a Gemini." He was eleven.

**********

A couple of weeks ago, I was in the Salt Lake City airport waiting for my two oldest sons to board a Southwest flight to Denver. Because they're 12 and 10, I decided to forgo the $50 each way unaccompanied minor charge. They've flown many times with Chris and me, and were excited to travel alone to spend some time with their grandparents.

The boys didn't seem nervous, until I finished the Mom Pep-Talk.

"When you get on the plane, don't pick an empty row. You won't have control over who chooses to sit with you. You're small, clean and quiet so you'll be attractive seatmates to everyone. Do NOT sit next to a man. Any man. Not that all men are bad. It's just that the majority of crimes are committed by men. Look for a woman. A clean woman...with kids. But if she doesn't have kids with her, look for someone who looks like she probably has kids. Or an old person. Old women are usually very safe. You can sit by an older man as a last resort, but only if he's really old and doesn't look creepy. Not that you can tell if someone's creepy or bad by how they look. Because sometimes someone can look nice and clean, but they're creepy...don't worry about that right now. Avoid a large person if you can. Large people aren't bad, it's just an issue of personal space. Does that make sense to you? I don't mean to sound unkind...I'm talking Jabba the Hutt large, not normal large. You know, where they might leave some DNA on you. But look out for the slender people who are shedding skin or don't seem clean. It's a hygiene issue. Look for someone who has good hygiene regardless of their size. Know what I mean? It's important not to judge people by their appearance. Just look for a clean, mom-type woman...although women commit crimes too...just not as often. You'll be okay..."

I babbled and confused and worried them. They wanted to know what kind of crimes people would commit on an airplane. I explained I would hate for someone to lift one of their iPods.

Oldest Boy is a germaphobe like me and can now add to his growing pile of nightmares, the vision of a Jabba the Hutt-like person invading his personal space and sharing germ-ridden DNA, then stealing his iPod.

A woman, the clean kind with a handful of children, was in earshot of my terrifying pep-talk and instructions. She understood everything I was trying to convey to my sons and assured me she would keep an eye on them, even offering to sit with them if necessary.

The boys made it to Denver, had a great time, and returned safely with no tales of traumatic events [other than my pep-talk], no flesh-eating diseases, and all of their possessions. Oldest Boy told me he scouted the moms in the boarding area for the return flight and found one to sit with them. [He still listens to me and values what I say. Good news, bad news.]

Oldest Boy and Middle Boy in Colorado - June 2010

**********

In case anyone was wondering... I'm not a virgin either. I'm a Gemini.

On Turning 44

It's my birthday today. I had a nice trail run this morning, the house was festively decorated when I returned, Chris offered to chaperon the four-year-old at a birthday party for me this afternoon [the best gift EVER], while the older boys and I shopped at REI and a running store. It's been a good day.

[Mom, Dad and me on my 1st birthday. 1967]

 

In my 44th year, I lost my grandmother, completed the Triple Trail Challenge, attended my 25th high school reunion, celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary, tweaked some relationships, felt what it's like to be bullied as an adult, had pneumonia for the first time in my life, and am reminded of the importance of living in the moment, thanks to my friend Em.

[Mom and me on my 1st birthday. 1967]

In the past 12 months I've learned...

... to trust my instincts [more than I already did] and not ignore multiple red flags that flutter and shake right in front of my face.

... closure and peace is best achieved privately.

... bullying feels like someone is squeezing the back of your neck with sharp, bony fingers and forcing you to walk down a path, not of your choosing, while you whimper.

... if someone's not well-liked, there's usually a good reason for it.  Life's not a popularity contest, but there's a difference between having a funny walk, and walking around while swinging a stick.

... relationships, both old and new, family members and non-family members, continue to intrigue me.  The cream consistently rises to the top.

... that my handsome husband is okay being the lust of my life versus the love of my life.  How frickin awesome is that?  I think that makes him the love of my life, for sure.

... I have no real problems and am one hell of a lucky woman.

[My second birthday. 1968]

**********

My friend, Em, is the mother to a sweet, seven-year-old boy.  He was diagnosed with brain cancer in early February.  his treasured family is battling the disease with strength, courage, determination, and the knowledge that they will WIN the fight. Please join Chris, the boys and me in sending healing thoughts, prayers, and an abundance of good juju to Em, her husband and their son, Super T. She's been telling me to live in the moment, enjoy the simple gifts each day offers, and smile and laugh as much as possible. She's preachin' good, people. Let's listen to her!